Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
