Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
