It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
