If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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