It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i came on her dog
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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