the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
