i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize