I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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