Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
