If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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