My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
