Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize