I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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