apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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