I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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