dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
