I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Say something about gay babies.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
