I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
