I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
