Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
