apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I need to align my fucking chakras
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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