Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize