I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
