His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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