I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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