I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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