I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
