i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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