How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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