So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
