sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
