You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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