Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
