remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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