She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
