i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
