I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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