And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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