the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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