You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
