If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
