If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
