You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
