I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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