I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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