Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
