apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
