Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
