Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
