I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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