I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
