Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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