If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
