I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
