This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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