billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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