My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
