I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
