someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
