They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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