wrigley field is MILF paradise
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
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