rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
