I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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